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Commonly cited and accepted explanations for why some men leave their wives include: The allure of restored youthfulness offered by a younger, adoring female, the appeal of feeling omnipotent and powerful; the seduction of forbidden sex; and the avoidance of monotonous or unhappy co-existence with his wife. Though these explanations seem logical, are they indeed the reasons for marital break-ups?
John Gottman’s research found that the two major reasons for divorce were conflict and loss of intimacy and connection. Paul Amato attributed personal problems and history of parental divorce as the major contributors to divorce.
Other researchers cited personal or sexual betrayal as a common reason for men’s termination of marriage. Israel Charney found that 67 percent of betrayed husbands and 53 percent of betrayed wives suffered significant damage to their self-image and confidence, and 18 percent and 21 percent respectively suffered feelings of abandonment and attacks on their sense of belonging that prompted the termination of their unions…
Frank Pittman and colleagues listed three kinds of affairs:
- „Accidental — unplanned, with the consequences given little thought; it’s more of a friendship that develops into more because of what’s missing in the main relationship.
- Philandering — entail steady changes in partners by one spouse who is likely angry about the marriage, sees the other spouse as controlling, and is likely hostile toward the spouse.
- Romantic affair — where people „fall in love” to escape marital and life problems; it may signal more of a crisis in the couple’s life-cycle than in the marriage itself.”He summarizes, „90 percent of first-time divorces have involved infidelity, mostly during the last year of the marriage. These findings confirm that intimacy and support in the relationship are more the issue than sex with someone else.”
The above studies list conflict and lack of intimacy and personal or sexual betrayal as the main contributors to termination of marriage by men rather than the commonly presumed causes of youth, power and sexual temptations.
Clinically, men who come to therapy are disheartened about being unappreciated, controlled and manipulated by their wives rather than being driven by pursuits of sexual fulfillment, youthfulness or power.
The need to be appreciated, valued, respected and cherished is not gender specific. Both men and women wish to receive this from their mates. In the absence of evidence of these attitudes mates feel discredited, devalued and rejected. It is then that they become susceptible to the positive regard, kindness and validation from other individuals outside the marriage.
Men also value autonomy, independence, self-sufficiency and freedom as affirmations of their manhood. Feeling „controlled” by their wives is demeaning and disempowering. Regrettably, leaving is often propelled by the need to find an alternative way to be positively regarded, valued and esteemed.
Do you need to improve your relationship? Contact Offra Gerstein, a clinical psychologist in Santa Cruz with more than 30 years of success in helping couples restore their love. Call 476-7666 or visitwww.relationshipmatters.com.
At A Glance
Advice for Wives:
- Create marriage stability by offering your man autonomy, respect and appreciations.
- Ask — don’t tell your husband what to do.
- Promote his positive self-image, appeal, value and confidence.
- Avoid conflicts.
- Be a loyal emotional and sexual partner.